Sometimes rheumatic fever = rheumatic heart disease = heart valve damage = heart valve replacement……
I never in my most gloomy moments thought I would be inflicted with a heart condition.
Preparing myself for double heart valve replacement, the usual doom and gloom thoughts fill the spaces in my mind reserved for such occasions.
Why is it easier to think of the negative rather than positive? I push and pull myself through these thoughts and try to tether myself to the positive.
The last 6 months have been filled with doctors and hospital appointments, hospital admissions and discharges, work and all the emotional stuff that reveals itself in times like this.
Holding myself in limbo I process what has unfolded and come to terms with how my life will be post surgery
Then finally acceptance, belief and trust replace anger, blame and fear
I am ready to move into the next lane on my freeway of life and embrace all that it offers
That dreaded phone call, the day before surgery
Heart races, anxiety heightens
I know the conversation
“your surgical date has been deferred”, spoken as if doodling
I stop listening to the reasons why – everything a blur
New date given, but be prepared for the “possibility of postponement”
Those negative emotions forced to the fore again
I am back at that place of anger and frustration
Road blocks are temporary